Recently, Respectful Parenting expert Janet Lansbury was asked during an interview why adults should show respect to children when kids don’t reciprocate or do anything to “earn” our respect. She answered that we do it in order to model for them what treating people with respect looks like so that they will learn to do it too. As I listened to this interview, I nodded in agreement and thought about all the things I do with babies and children to prepare them for adult skills. Later, as I watched a baby playing with his toys on the floor, I felt conflicted about this notion. So many adults treat childhood as if it’s a training session for “real life” and entirely overlook the importance of being a kid in its own right. Child psychologist Alison Gopnik writes that there is a trade-off between childhood and adulthood because adults tend to lose the extreme amount of curiosity, flexibility and risk-taking that children have naturally. These qualities are the exact attributes that we need to be innovative thinkers and change-makers as our society tries to grapple with its own shortcomings and correct past mistakes.
It sounds a bit counter-intuitive, but the best way to help a child maintain their inclination toward taking risks is not to push them to try new things, but to provide a safe and secure environment. While we love to glorify stories about people who “overcame all odds,” the truth is that, psychologically speaking, we cannot innovate from an anxious state. Children and adults who are constantly in survival mode due to a lack of safety and security tend to stay stuck in lower brain functioning. When children can trust in secure attachments to caring adults who they know will provide the protection they need, then they are free to explore, create and invent.
Does this mean that children who experience a lack of security due to their living situation cannot be curious or inventive? No. Short of living in a direct threat situation such as in a country at war or in a community experiencing violent crime on a daily basis, children can feel secure in many different environments. Parents who cannot provide the privileges of an enriching play space, a wide variety of engaging toys, a safe and green outdoor setting, abundant and varied food choices or an entirely flexible schedule can still provide their children with calm, gentle and respectful interactions that fuel a sense of safety and security.
I see the core components of Respectful Parenting as:
Use of positive redirection, prevention and collaborative problem-solving rather than punitive measures
Educating oneself about child development so that expectations match abilities
Modeling desired behavior
Accepting all feelings as valid and healthy
Recognizing that every behavior indicates an underlying need and focusing on meeting the need instead of controlling the behavior
I believe this approach is universally applicable, beneficial and potentially transformative for our society. We just have to keep spreading the word: Childhood isn’t just practice for adulthood, it’s a precious resource that must be preserved and protected.
Well said, daughter of mine.