Parenting advice, like everything else, falls on a spectrum, from harsh to gentle, from controlling to “free range.” And hopefully, with more and more research showing the outcomes of abusive and neglectful parenting practices, the average parent is committing themselves to a healthier approach. Corporal punishment is becoming less common, although unfortunately, many parents still adamantly defend it as being necessary to prevent “spoiling.”
Those who have chosen to adopt an authoritative parenting style have made a conscious decision not to use harsh punishments and also not to allow their child to “run the show.” But between those two extremes lies a lot of gray area where parents often feel conflicted.
Respectful or Gentle Parenting (and there is much disagreement about whether or not they are synonymous), is first and foremost about eschewing punishment as a means to control a child's behavior. This parenting style instead requires parents to see their child as a competent, autonomous whole person right from the start. But even the most competent child is still a child and therefore needs guidance. So what should that look like? How do parents know how much guidance to give - when to step in and when to step back?
Here are some guidelines that I rely on to make these decisions while caring for children:
Is there a health or safety concern? Children do not get to decide what objects are safe for them to handle, whether to take needed medication or have their diaper changed or go to the doctor. Those are adult decisions. Children may make choices within the adult realm, such as choosing the diaper with the lion on it or the bear, or choosing which juice they want to wash down the yucky tasting medicine. But ultimately a parent’s job is to provide calm, confident leadership, especially with non-negotiable decisions.
Are my limits clear, consistent and reasonable? Respectful Parents should avoid haphazard or vague rules and instead consider whether the limits they are setting will make sense to the child. If you allow jumping on the sofa, but only the one in the playroom, can your child understand the difference? If you allow food in the bedroom one day because you’re too busy to deal with a proper meal, ask yourself whether they can handle this discrepancy. Is this going to invite a conflict tomorrow when you want to go back to sitting at the table? This is an area where it’s important for parents and caregivers to “get on the same page.” This also applies to the daily routine. When your child knows what to expect and less desirable activities (such as cleaning up or taking a nap) are built into the schedule, your child is less likely to push back. Clarity and consistency are crucial elements of setting boundaries.
How am I communicating the limits I set? Young children, even once they have the language to receive and recite a rule back to you, often still do not have the self control that it takes to follow through with a request. Get down on their level, make eye contact, speak slowly and be prepared to follow through with physical redirection (moving them, helping them stop). Telling a toddler from across the room not to jump on the sofa is almost always going to be an exercise in futility. It is always better to gently and calmly move a child away from something (preferably not using distraction but instead empathizing with any ensuing upset) than to continually verbalize something until you are exasperated and react with anger.
How can the environment set limits? Your home environment can set your child up to fail or to succeed depending on how much thought you put into it. This isn’t simply a matter of installing gates to prevent falls. It’s about trying to see the home from your child’s perspective. If there are too many things that they’re not allowed to touch or that require direct supervision, you’re going to encounter behavior challenges. They need to be free to explore and unsafe areas shouldn’t be accessible. The less you have to say “no,” the more autonomous they can be.
Am I modeling the behavior I want to see my child exhibiting? This sounds so simple but is probably the most important element of setting limits effectively. Children learn what they experience, not what they’re told. I see many parents and caregivers leave toys all over the floor all day when their child is a baby, thinking “Why should I clean up? They’re just going to make more of a mess later,” and then they wonder why their toddler or preschooler later refuses to clean up. Or parents who constantly eat “on the go,” never sitting down for a meal with their baby and then wonder why their older child only wants to snack, refuses meals and has atrocious table manners. But the most critical things to model are kindness and gentleness. Always, always handle children with care. Respect their bodies and spirits so that they will know how important it is to relate to others in a peaceful way.
Once you’ve considered these 5 principles and put some well thought-out limits into place, you will still sometimes see limit-testing behaviors. It is a young child’s job to test boundaries. They are not doing it simply to be contrary. They are doing it out of a need to experiment, to establish their individual selves, and to make sure you will keep them safe and meet their needs. If you are inconsistent, don’t model the behavior, don’t communicate clearly, or give them too much or too little control over their world, they will continue to test limits until they feel secure. There is no such thing as “spoiling” a child, but there is such a thing as an emotional environment that isn’t secure or safe enough for a child to establish self-confidence and competence. The childhood years go by so quickly and yet are incredibly impactful. Take the time to make intentional changes for the better.
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