As a nanny I have seen it all. The intimacy of this job is not often understood by outsiders. Breastfeeding, frank discussions of all sorts of bodily fluids, folding my bosses’ underwear…it all comes with the job. Since the pandemic, and the proliferation of parents who work from home, I’ve had to become accustomed to even more intimacy. Here we all are, coexisting in a home where my job is to care for the children, but is rarely just that. As a born nurturer, I both struggle with and am grateful for all the practice this job has provided me with establishing healthy boundaries, because they are absolutely essential in this scenario.
It goes without saying that new parents experience an enormous amount of stress, and part of
my job is to reassure them that all is well with their freshly-hatched fledgling. I also find myself in the middle of a dynamic that I see over and over with new parents: anxious mom/dismissive dad. I definitely don’t mean to say that all dads are callous jerks or all moms are a hot mess. This is just a cycle that I’ve seen play out with countless (hetero, cis) couples. And I say “cycle” because one feeds the other.
I think most dads start out just as concerned as moms about every little thing their baby does. But as the haze of the early days lifts and life begins to return to some semblance of normal, I see the parental roles begin to shift. The wear and tear of daily life with a needy infant begins to take its toll on even the sturdiest relationship. Here’s what I see:
Mom shares concerns about baby’s sleep/feedings/health issues.
Dad feels mom’s angst and attempts to reassure her by saying that baby is fine.
Mom does not feel heard and reiterates her concerns with added emphasis.
Dad senses mom’s heightened concern and reacts with a stronger attempt to dismiss the perceived problem.
Mom feels more worried, not less because she now feels alone in her concerns.
Dad feels frustration and digs in with his view that mom’s concerns are overblown (which, at this point, they may have become).
So, what can be done to break this vicious cycle?
One word: Listen. Don’t fix, don’t dismiss. Just listen and reflect.
I wish parenting classes were required for all parents. And one thing I would include in those classes is how to hear the stresses of the other parent without trying to fix or dismiss them. This is actually a central tenet of my approach to child care. Listen and validate emotions without trying to fix the problem. This is how children (and adults) feel heard, empowered and loved. But this isn’t how we’re raised, generally speaking. Most parents’ go-to utterance when their child is upset is “you’re okay.” And what’s the true message behind that? Your concerns aren’t valid. Or, your discontent makes me uncomfortable so please feel something more pleasant. But we can’t make someone feel better by telling them that they don’t feel bad. We have to fight these urges and do the hard thing: listen and empathize. Not only is this great for your relationship with your partner, it’s a great thing to model for your children. Win-win!
I’m no marriage counselor, but I’ve definitely been privy to plenty of marital strife in my time as a nanny. And I try my hardest to maintain those healthy boundaries I’ve worked so hard on and just stay out of it. But I do want new parents to know that they’re hardly alone in this dynamic and that it is possible to break this cycle. In fact, they may find that their relationship is all the better for it. And they’ll definitely be better parents.
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