What Kind of Parent Are You?

Have you ever had the experience of finding that an unconventional or fringe interest of yours has suddenly become more popular and you find yourself wondering, “Okay, you’ve heard of it, but do you actually get it?”

It seems that Gentle Parenting has made huge gains in its visibility (or notoriety) in recent months. Perhaps it’s just my algorithm, but it seems like the tenets of this parenting style are on their way to becoming mainstream. Janet Lansbury, a leading voice in promoting Respectful Parenting, has recently been interviewed by Anderson Cooper and Ezra Klein of the New York Times. More recently, The New Yorker magazine published a piece called “The Harsh Realm of Gentle Parenting,” which was none too flattering and seemed to just confuse it with permissive parenting. It can be both frustrating and gratifying to see a personal passion recognized by popular media.

It’s interesting to note the semantics. This parenting style has been given all of the following labels: Authoritative, Respectful, Gentle, Whole, Peaceful, Positive, Conscious, Mindful, Evidence-based, and Responsive. I find it curious that the most ubiquitous one has turned out to be “Gentle.” What does that say about traditional parenting?

In modern American culture, most parents utilize some form of punishment for undesirable behavior. Corporal punishment has begun to decline, but ”time out,” grounding and revoking privileges are still very prevalent. So when most people hear that Gentle Parenting is non-punitive, they immediately assume that it must be permissive. If you’re not punishing them, you must be letting them do whatever they want, right?

Wrong.

Children need guidance. Their immature brains and psyches require confident leadership in order to feel secure. Permissive parenting borders on neglect because it’s denying a basic need. Gentle Parenting is not permissive.

On the other hand, discipline that relies on shaming, yelling or punishing to control children's behavior is just as harmful. It’s understandable that so many parents fall back on this approach. It’s an instinctual expression of our discomfort, fear and anger. It will produce compliance in the short term. It will also create negative neural pathways that will take years to repair.

We can do better. We are adults with sophisticated brain function and life experiences that have taught us how to negotiate difficulties. It’s our job to pass this knowledge on to our children via modeling, redirection, empathy and collaborative problem solving.

So what do we call this?

I’m not really a fan of the label of Gentle Parenting because I don’t feel it’s a good descriptor - it’s too simplistic and implies a lack of authority. I am partial to Respectful Parenting because I was trained in Magda Gerber’s RIE approach which is based on respectful care of young children. But often when people hear “respect,” they associate it with children “respecting their elders.” I don’t think most people understand what it means to care for an infant with respect. The label that I think is the clearest descriptor of what we’re talking about is Conscious Parenting. This means we are not parenting the way we ourselves were parented just because it’s what we know. And we’re not using the easiest, most instinctive approach just because it stops unwanted behavior in the moment. And we’re also not simply giving the child whatever they ask for because we fear their negative emotions. We’re informing ourselves so that we can make conscious, mindful decisions about what our child truly needs. And it’s hard work. It should be! It’s one of the most important jobs in our society - no matter what you call it.